Okay.. so this is the first time I will be putting anything remotely personal out there and this is a scary thing for me to do , however I have been told it can be cathartic so let’s see if that is true shall we? I have been going back and forth over the last few days as to whether or not this is something I should post. This is not an easy subject for me to discuss with people i love let alone put it out there for the world to see. This was difficult to write and for some people may be difficult to read so just bear that in mind before you continue. I do not want this to me a trigger for someone else.
Humans are very complex creatures, no two people are exactly the same. Even identical twins have different personality traits. We are all Puzzles , made up of thousands of little tiny puzzle pieces and it is not until all those pieces have been assembled that you get the full picture. I have always started from the edges and worked my way in, as I was taught by my mum. The edges, for me, are the easiest thing to construct. the superficial bits that don’t really give you any insight in to what the picture is going to be but it gives you a base, a starting point.
I have an amazing family. My parents have always been supportive of everything I do regardless of whether they agree with it or not. When I make stupid decisions my parents and sister joke about it but that is what families do, they rib each other now and again and we know we love each other and it is all in jest so it isn’t taken personally. My parents are two of the greatest people I know. Growing up I was given everything I needed and more, I never wanted for anything. When I got in to debt and stupidly hid it from them, when I finally told them they helped me with everything. I grew up in a loving home and other than the usual sibling bickering me and my sister got on well.
So why is it that I have always felt like there is a piece missing?
When it comes to family I couldn’t ask for anything more but I have never felt that I fit anywhere outside my family. I have always been outgoing, loud, opinionated and expressive and inevitably that has got me in to a few heated debates growing up and some people disliked me because of it but that is natural, not everyone will like you. But even with my friends at school, work or University, in previous relationships, it has never felt right, I have never felt like I belong and to this day i cannot figure out what it is.
I have tried to speak to friends about it in the past as I don’t understand it. I just get told the usual thing that friends tell you ” i like you as you are” , “i am always here for you” “Everyone feels that way sometimes”. When it comes to friends and boyfriends I have never really been able to trust anyone. My so called friends set me up when i was younger to get jumped, I’ve had rumours spread around about me at school on top of being bullied, My first boyfriend got violent and since him the rest have cheated and lied to me.
On the outside I have always come across as confident, like nothing has phased me, that i can handle whatever verbal or physical abuse has been thrown at me. But when I am on my own and I notice that that missing piece is still there, I focus on it, and it makes me feel totally empty inside. That piece that, when you step back and look at the big picture is so small, feels so big. It feels like it’s more than one piece, that I can’t see the big picture, I don’t know who I am. Is it my fault that I feel this way? Is it in my head? Am i broken? Will I every feel happy and complete?
Until recently I didn’t discuss this with my family, which in hindsight was the worst decision to make. I felt like I could just deal with it by myself and i didn’t want to burden them or make them feel sorry for me. The first time I felt this way was when I was 15 and the only way I felt I could release the pressure I felt was to cut it out. I am used to keeping my family in the dark because I just know they will worry so much and again that is something I know I can control.
I was being bullied at school constantly. My friends just told me to ignore “Jack” and his friends, they’d say how much of an ass he was etc but then would be really nice to him and didn’t even try to stick up for me when he would humiliate me in front of a full class. I never felt like I could fully trust them. I would be there…..alone… everyone waiting for my reaction. The only thing i could think to do was…do nothing.. act like it didn’t mean anything to me…..but it did.
The cuts were superficial but they did the trick. I couldn’t hit him or his friends because that would land me in detention, so the logical option in my head was to take it out on myself. I felt an odd sense of relief when I had done it. Like that was one thing I could control in my life. I couldn’t control my so called friends bitching about me behind my back, or the bullies, or the lack of action taken by teachers when I told them what happened.. but this…this i could control. I knew I was all alone and couldn’t really trust the people I thought were my friends, so i faked it.. acted happy and loud, pretended like nothing phased me… but inside it killed me.
Sometimes “Jack”, if he felt like it, would be nice to me, even flirt with me but never where anyone could see. If I ever said no or asked him to go away he would switch and just being nasty again, if i didn’t text him when he wanted or reply on MSN, he would just be worse the next day at school and I just wanted a bit of peace at school now and again so I decided to just go along with it and never told anybody.
Last year I began to feel the emptiness again.. The more i focused on it the big the hole felt. It grew and grew around me as if it was swallowing me and I couldn’t find my way out. After ten years of dealing with it on my own I finally told my family, I felt as if a weight had been lifted and as always I have had their full support. I am on medication and I am doing a lot better but every day it is still a struggle to get out of bed and stay positive, to start the day on a good note and to not give up and just curl up in to a ball and shut out the world. I do not know if the empty feeling will ever go, if I will ever feel “complete”. I don’t know if I will let anybody outside my immediate family see who I am and trust them enough to know that they love me for me and that I will be accepted for who i am, good and bad.
I don’t know if I will ever be happy.. I mean truly happy in myself. But one thing I do know is that I will NOT let depression beat me and keep me down anymore. I will NOT break down and hurt myself again like I have done so many times in the past. The scars I have from previous relapses will stay with me both mentally and physically forever. Above all i know that……
I AM STRONGER THAN DEPRESSION
Especially now my family know and they support me 100%.. All I have to do is remember..
I AM NOT ALONE